Random unheard of I.P.A. in a can, after running, whilst taking a shower

Today I woke up from the most righteous slumber, only to first think about the fact that I had not written about a Gnarly Brew in quite some time.  I then realized that I felt slightly depressed and I began to feel that I was letting down the five followers of this blog, with a deep understanding that my lack of motivation to write could potentially and most likely lead them to the same slightly depressed state which I currently found myself in.  It then came to me that there was only one way to save the mental state of these people which make up the same number of fingers which I have on ONE of my hands: to go to Kroger and find a random unheard of I.P.A. to write about.

So I set out on my journey, walking the quarter mile down to the local Kroger store.  I wandered over to the beer aisle and made a miraculously quick decision (this is extremely rare).  While looking over their surprisingly decent beer selection, one beer stood out to me: Diesel Punk‘s Imperial Pale Ale.  Not only was the artwork on the can slightly enthralling, but the fact that it was in a can really sparked my interest.  Over the last couple of years I had been noticing that more and more breweries (Bell’s, Right Brain, Dale’s, etc.)  have been starting to can their beer, or at least began to contemplate the idea.  Seeing how I had never tried an I.P.A. out of a can, I had no choice but to choose this one.

So, you are probably wondering how the “after running, whilst taking a shower” thing came into play, right?  Let me elaborate:  As of lately, I had been thinking about the fact that beer seems to be more rewarding when it is, what I like to call, well-deserved.  Whether it be that you you deserved a reward after work, after a good workout, after opening the door for an elderly lady, or after doing a normal task, such as breathing or blinking, it just feels better.  With that being said, I felt that the best way to reward myself today would be to consume this beverage after going for a run.  This then led me to the idea that my sweaty, tired ass should enjoy this beer while taking a shower.  So there you have it: Random unheard of I.P.A. in a can, after running, whilst taking a shower.

Now that I have laid all of that garbage out there for you, I can FINALLY talk about the beer.  While doing some research on this brewery, I noticed that most people decided to pour the beer OUT OF THE CAN and INTO A GLASS.  That’s just fucking retarded.  Why buy it in a can if you are just going to put it back in a glass?  Idiots.  Anyways, I decided to be awesome and drink this beer out of the can while taking a nice cold shower after my run (beautiful mental imagery, right?).  I cracked the can open and listened to the echo of the snapping tab ringing off of the walls of my tiny, barbie house sized bathroom, and took my first sip.  Yup, tasted just like I expected an I.P.A. to taste like out of a can: like I.P.A. in a can.

After drinking about half of the can I thought to myself that I should have tried an I.P.A. that I was more familiar with in order to compare the taste of the beer coming from two different types of containers, because this one kind of tasted like a mesh between a rusty tin can, a dirty stick, a sock, and an I.P.A. that may have tasted fairly decent out of a bottle.  What I’m trying to say is that I really felt that this beer might have had some sort of potential, but it had something else in there that I just didn’t enjoy that much.  It had the bitterness and the bite that I typically like in an I.P.A., but I think that it is possible that the can may have altered the flavor of this one.  After the consumption of one beer, I have decided that this particular beverage should not be sold in four packs consisting of 16 ounce cans, but should instead be sold in one packs in order to protect the consumer from wasting their hard-earned buckaroos.

This is how Diesel Punk I.P.A. is sold (left)
This is how Diesel Punk I.P.A. should be sold (right)

An Ocean of Bottles

Craft beer started taking over my life around the age of 22 (I’m 25 as of this writing). Up to that point I wasn’t much of a drinker and these strange beers offered something much different than the yellow pop that I was accustomed to. While these days I keep my refrigerator fully stocked with the finest craft beers one can buy, I’ve realized there is one massive problem when you buy such beers in the state of Michigan:

BOTTLE RETURNS!!!!

Seriously, there is no greater pain in the ass than returning my awesome beer’s empty bottles back to where they belong (In Michigan we use a 10 cent deposit system instead of normal recycling).  One might ask “Vinney, why don’t you take back a few at a time to the liquor store?” to which I’ll snarl at you and give a simple explanation and reply with something like, “I’m from Michigan”. See, in Michigan I grew up as a child using bottle returns as a form of currency. Many summers were spent gathering pop bottles from my parents/grandparents/friends parents and returning the aluminum/glass/plastic  into a magical return machine for cold hard cash. Some traditions never die, and I still gather a good amount of bottles before it’s time to return them back to the store.

An awesome collection of beer bottles or just a giant collection of non-returnables?

Problem is, most of my beers can’t be returned to a normal store. If I go to a local grocery store I might be able to return a third of my bottles. At a bigger chain, maybe two thirds of the apparent collection I have grown. So, I end up having to take them back to the liquor store and looking like a total alcoholic.

The aftermath of “New Brew Tuesday.”

In the end I must face my demons and take the ridiculously hoarded stacks of bottles back to the store. This is no small quest though, as I usually have about a good 30-40+ bottles that I will return when I finally make the pilgrimage to the liquor store.  I can either juggle multiple six packs or carry them in a box, usually going for the latter. When walking into my favorite liquor store in the area, Liquor Cabinet, I can only hope that I don’t run into anyone that I know. Will they think I have a problem? Will they question the ridiculous amounts of money I spend on beer?  Or will they just assume that I really like to party? Fortunately, this hasn’t been an issue and the guys working at the counter always take my bottles back with a smile. This is a good thing, because they also happen to have a giant selection of beer that I gloriously use my return money on. After browsing around the store and making a purchase, I take home some new beers that will once again turn into hoards of empty bottles back at home. The circle of beer life continues.

-Vinney Gaiparelli